Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Third time is a charm...or in this case a lark

Anna and I headed to Wal-Mart the other morning to get new bottles...wanted to be prepared for when the one remaining bottle inevitably went missing.  Now I know that Wal-Mart before 11 a.m. is God's waiting room and I am taking my life in my was a little before 9 a.m. and it was teeming with the elderly.  We made it in, got what we needed and were headed for the door.  We were on track for making it out without incident.  20 feet from the door it happened.  I was hit by a lark (or scooter or rascal).  Take your pick, but no matter what you call it it hit me!!  Now I want to share something with you; this is not the first time I have been hit by a lark, nor the second...this is the 3rd time!!!  Yes folks...3 flippin times!!!  Now I guess mathematically it makes sense.  I shop at Wal-Mart and Market Basket, which in my estimation has the highest percentage of shoppers that use larks.  So statistically lets work this out...I am at Market Basket once a week and Wal-Mart usually every other the odds of me getting run over by a lark are pretty good.

I fancy myself a bit of an amateur cultural anthropologist.  I love to people watch, I find it fascinating to try and figure out what makes people tick.  For the life of me I can not figure out the subculture of people that willingly chose to ride a lark while shopping.  It is not a wheelchair that they need for medical reasons, it is not prescribed by their health care professional.  These are electronic shopping carts with a chair.  Anyone can use them...there may be an age requirement but other than that there are no restrictions.  It is a curious lot of people that use them...I have not seen a real pattern, I have seen teenagers, the elderly, overweight people, underweight people and everything in between.  I always thought to myself that they must have some underlying condition that is not overtly obvious.  That is until this one day I was in the produce aisle and I saw a lark coming, instinctively I move to the other side, I had already been hit once and had a slight case of PTSD (Post Traumatic Scooter Disorder) then I realize I know the driver!  More importantly I know for a fact that he does not have any medical reason to be using it.  I know what he does for a living, he is more that able bodied.  I quickly went down another aisle because I had no idea what to say in this situation if we came face to face.  I never breathed a word of this the next time I saw him and I NEVER said anything to his wife, she would have been mortified.

One thing I have noticed with lark users is that basic societal rules do not apply to them.  They stop smack dab in the middle of the aisle, they never look behind them before they back up and they don't care if you are in front of them they will MOW YOU DOWN AND NOT THINK TWICE ABOUT IT!!!  And when they do hit you they look at you as if you did something wrong.  I speak from experience as I mentioned before this has happened to me 3 times!!  Once at Market Basket and twice at Wal-Mart with several close calls peppered in.  My sister finds this quite funny but I am starting to get annoyed.  I am seriously considering doing my shopping in the comfort of a lark.  If you cant beat 'em, join 'em...I will just tool around the store at 2 miles an hour, throw caution to the wind and knock down everything in my path.  If nothing else it will provide some entertainment value.  Maybe I could shop with a friend and we could race around the store to shop as efficiently as possible all while trying to acquire points....1 point for hitting the potato chip display; 5 points for ramming an unoccupied shopping cart; 10 points for hitting a person and a bonus 50 points if you hit a harried housewife/mother enjoying her only time away from her family.

I survived and did not sustain any real injuries...just pissed that someone that probably is not allowed to drive a car anymore due to lack of basic reflexes can ride around Wal-Mart leaving a trail of destruction in his wake. Or, even more scary this Mario Andretti of the Lark 500 does his shopping and then goes out, gets in his Buick and drives the same roads I travel on in my minivan with my kids.  I think in addition to the DCF satellite office their should be a RMV kiosk as well...

On a happier note...Anna was shamed into using a big girl cup at bedtime!! So like I said, we were at Wal-Mart to get some bottles.  We went to the infant section and were looking at the bottles.  Well, there was another mom their with her infant.  I could see the wheels turning in Anna's head.  She said, "this is for babies"...wanting to capitalize on this opportunity and not being above shaming my child into societal norms...I said, yeah, we need to get you a new BABY bottle, what color BABY bottle do you want?  Do you want a big BABY bottle or a little BABY bottle for bedtime.  She said she was a big girl and wanted a big girl cup.  So we went over, she picked out a couple and promised to use it at bedtime.  That night without missing a beat she took her new cup to bed with her.  Took one sip, put it down, rolled over and fell asleep.  She did that the next night too.  Tonight is night #3... I think if she does it tonight it is a new pattern and we are in the clear.

So I guess it is true...all is well that ends well...

1 comment:

  1. You just jinxed yourself. She'll throw a fit tonight!