Contact the CIA!! They no longer need to water board the inmates at Guantanamo...I have a new form of torture that would get even the most hardened terrorist to crack. Force them to wear the outfit, shoes included, that I wore last night.
Let me start by saying the wedding was wonderful...we had a really good time and it was glorious to see the girls drive away with my parents for the night. HOWEVER....I have never been more physically uncomfortable in ALL OF MY LIFE!!! I do not make this statement lightly, I was in labor for 36 hours with Sara...and this 8 hour span of time trumps that hands down.
Let's start at the beginning...getting dressed. It was even more of an ordeal than I had imagined. I got the first "undergarment" on. The first shaper. It had this rubbery seam around the openings for the legs and around the waist, which is not really a waist at all since it comes up to your armpits. It was a struggle getting it up but I did it without sweating too much. Then came the Spanx nylons. Holy God...these things were a disaster right from the get go. I swear they were defective. The first leg went on fine, relatively speaking...as fine as stuffing a watermelon into a grape. I could not get the second leg on to save my life. Literally if there were a man standing next to me with a gun ordering me to put it on properly I would have been shot dead. I tried and tried... this thing was not going on. It was so tight it wouldn't budge. I took it off and started over 3 times. I swear to God the second leg was two sizes smaller than the first. I tried everything!! I was contorted into all kinds of positions trying to pull this up past my knee. Chuck was offering to help but I refused...that is all I needed after all the running around the day before ending up with ripped nylons would be the icing on the cake. After a good 10 minutes of getting into every yoga position imaginable I managed to get it up, kind of. I say kind of because I could get it up enough to cover my leg but there was this super tight ringed up bunch of nylon just above my knee. Since we were running late I had to go with it. Chuck offered a helpful tip, "if you don't throw a clot by the end of the night you will be fine." In an effort to not ruin his night I made sure to periodically move my foot to keep the blood flowing. I think the alcohol during cocktail hour sufficiently thinned my blood as well...
So I re-dry my hair...which was soaking from sweat after my nylon workout...Now on to the shoes...I guess buying them at 7 p.m. after running around all day was not the best idea. When I went to put them on for the wedding they were HUGE!! So big in fact that I was walking out of them with each step I took. There was no way I was going to make it. I ended up stuffing paper towels into the toes and off we went. It was a bit of a drive up to New Hampshire so my mind was wandering a bit on the car ride. No word of a lie, this is what I REALLY thought about...1) if we were in accident and needed medical attention are there trauma shears strong enough to cut through two layers of Spanx and 2) would the trauma team be able to apply for workers comp for their injuries they would undoubtedly sustain from the muffin top that would be unleashed when said Spanx were cut? It would be similar to the dough that pops out of the Pillsbury can when you peel it back...only on a much grander scale.
We get to the country club and head in. Turns out I can't walk like a normal person. I am all pigeon toed and look as if I have a stick up my ass as I try to walk and keep my shoes on. I head into the bathroom and try to figure it out. I add some toilet paper to the shoes to try and make them fit. If I can just get to my seat all will be well. I have to walk down stairs. I was terrified but I bit the bullet and did it. I made it safely down but just as I walked into the ceremony room I got this ungodly pain that stopped me dead in my tracks. I could not move, it felt as if there was a giant, hot nail poking straight into my big toe. I had to try and bend down, mind you they are 4.5 inch heels, so I am balancing on one of them and trying to get some of the toilet paper out all while holding my purse and wedding program. Of course now there is a line behind me as I am doing this. Total class act at this point.
Cocktail hour comes and goes...I stand in one spot and ask others to get my drinks for me. Somehow the alcohol is not numbing the pain but it has brought out my biggest fear. The need to pee. I wobble to the bathroom and just as I had envisioned it... A LINE!!! I go in and try to take care of business as quick as possible and head back to my table for dinner. But guess what? Yup!! The seal has been broken and now I have to go about every 20 minutes. It was a nightmare...the painful walk, the pressure of getting the spanx up and down in under 2 minutes and the defeated walk back knowing that in 20 minutes I would have to do it all over again. For the first time in our 7 year relationship I was happy that Chuck is not an extrovert and that I could just sit at the table and not worry about him asking me to dance. I was kind of bummed because they had really fun music and I did want to get up and dance. We did slow dance once...if you call it that. It was more me leaning on him and him holding me up...I am sure everyone there thought I was tanked....little did they know I was just bringing back the lost art of Chinese foot binding. I am sure you are all asking why I just didn't take them off. I would have but they were so swollen I was afraid I would never get them back on.
I have never wished for date night to end so fast. Finally it was time to go. We get in the car and I do take my shoes off. We were a few miles into the drive and I threw caution to the wind and took the nylons and spanx off too. The throbbing in my thigh was just too much to take and I couldn't wait to get rid of them...I could send them to the military...they would make an awesome tourniquet in the trenches. I figured if we were in an accident there was no more embarrassing situation than an other...double spanx or nothing....equally embarrassing.
So there is a wedding coming up in about 14 months. I am already dreading it. I am happy for the couple and wish them well, but I don't want to have to dress up again. How can I get out of it so I don't have to go through this hell again? Could I time it right and have a baby right around the same time? Could I have one of my ER friends put a long leg cast on me so I can't travel? Are there any elective surgeries I could qualify for next spring? I decided that is crazy talk. I am going to bring back the leisure suit a la Carol Brady. I am going to wear a nice pastel blue, elastic waisted pantsuit with wide flat shoes. If I start shopping now I may avoid the day before run around...
So I am going to box it all up and send it to Guantanamo for them...who knows I may just play a pivotal role in preventing the next Al Queda attack.