Monday, April 9, 2012

It's a Jungle in Here

So in addition to my two little girls we have a couple of pets...2 cats, a guinea pig and 3 fish tanks to be exact.  Lately the pets have been causing me more grief than the kids.  It came to a head the other day when I found myself walking into work in a most unattractive outfit.  It was blue pants, a blue tank top and a blue sweater.  None of it matched.  Needless to say it was not my first choice of attire for the day.  I had something a bit more coordinated but at the last minute, which is usually reserved for changing one of Anna's crappy diapers, Lucy tried climbing up me and in the process ripped my original shirt.  It wasn't a huge hole but it was right in the middle of my belly and not sure if many of you know this...I am really, really white and my belly is a bit on the softer side these days so that shirt was out.  Hence the ensemble that encompassed every blue hue under the sun.  For those that may have had the pleasure of seeing me that day, yes, I am well aware that my outfit didn't match and I am sorry.

So let me introduce you to my pets so you can get a fuller appreciation of my day to day life.  First up;

GRACIE:   She is my 10 year old cat.  I got her when I was living in Providence.  She really loves me.  REALLY loves me.  Gracie is always all over me, rubbing up against my leg, cuddling with me on the couch, comes up and purrs in my ear and tries to lick my ear.  She kind of has a creepy smile on her face when she is doing this.  When she does it I always get this image of the lights dimming, a disco ball coming down and Marvin Gaye's Let's Get it on starts to play...I am sure somewhere on the internet I can find a subset of society that may be turned on by this....but it is driving me nuts!!! She had a partner in crime for her entire life who died last summer (a quick side story....Sara is a very cerebral child and really needs and wants a lot of information.  We knew Maddie was going to die and we had prepared Sara for it.  She wanted to give her last pats and she picked out a box and blanket to bury her in.  We were coming home from the vet after it happened and it was pretty quiet in the car.  Sara very sweetly asks Anna if she wants to play with Maddie.  Anna who really doesn't understand what just happened says yeah.  Sara yells at her " Well, you can't she is DEAD!" nice gentle introduction to death for Anna).   So Gracie hasn't been the same since the other cat died.. She seemed depressed and lonely.  After about 6 months I had the bright idea of getting her a new cat friend....

LUCY:  Lucy is a 5 year old black cat....who thinks she is a panther.  She HATES me.  She stares at me and licks her lips...just like the panther in the Geico ad.  She glares at me when I come into the room.  I am slightly afraid of her.  She is turn around and she is there staring.  I have opened the cereal cabinet a few times and she is in there waiting to scare the sh*t out of me...and she does.  She is all black except for a few white furs on her chest.  Oh and her butt hole is white.  So on the rare occasion she does come around me it is usually to put her ass in front of my face so I get up close and personal with her white balloon knot.  GROSS!!  She does however, LOVE Sara.  She literally climbs up in her arms to be carried around.  She sleeps with her every night and Sara can do anything to this cat, put necklaces on her, ride her around in the wagon, get her to eat right from her hand, you name it this cat is game. Oh and since we got her in January I have only been able to clip 4 of her nails.  Chuck has to wrap her in a towel and practically choke her to get it done...and still only 4 nails have been done.  She goes nuts and I fear I will turn out like Siegfried, or is it Roy?  This cat is out to get me.  No wonder her nails ripped my shirt...

The two cats do not get along.  It has been 3 months now and Lucy is still out to kill Gracie.  Gracie is in fear for her life and sleeps on my head at night so as to not be murdered in her sleep.  Does not help with all the other sleep disturbances I have going on.  But I feel a sense of obligation to keep her alive for another day since I brought this murderous cat into her life.  I have a spray bottle hanging on my headboard for the inevitable middle of the night cat is to the point that my 2 year old shouts out, Mom the cats are looking at each other....that means I have about 3.2 seconds to get my ass in there to referee.  Sara and Anna try to smooth things over by saying "good girls" when the 2 cats are in close proximity.  

We have set up 3 cat litter boxes for them.  They have this stupid game they play.  One will take a crap and the other will come along about 2 minutes later and show them up.  It is literally like they are trying to out crap each other.  It is awesome for me.  Why, you ask?  Oh, because the only litter box they find acceptable is one in the kitchen.  Just to mess with me even more is the fact that they play this game just as I sit down to eat.  We tried to move it out of the kitchen but that was not to their liking.  One day I walked into my room and it smelled like poop.  Anna and Chuck had both just been in there so I couldn't rule any reasonable source out.  They both denied it.  The smell was lingering.  Turns out one of the cats took a dump on the clean laundry.   Now, shame on me for leaving the clean laundry in a pile on my bedroom floor.   I knew it might be compromised by one of the kids, perhaps leaving a toy in the mix.  I never imagined that a cat would crap on it.  Had to rewash everything.  This time I was smart and put the clean laundry on my bed before I put it away.  Well, fool me once shame on you...fool me twice...Yup!  This time the cat not only crapped on my clean close but decided to pee on it too.  So we put the litter box back in the kitchen and haven't had that problem since.  I am sure you are all thinking to yourself why don't you just put your laundry away in a timely that I have no good response.  We did move the litter box to the top of the basement stairs to see if that helps.  Oh, and the 2 boxes down in the basement are not up to their standards however, the hole surrounding the sump pump is.  That is there new craptastic idea.  Sh*tting in the hole.  That sucker is being cemented up this weekend.  Take that cats!!  I am sure they will find another way to get back at us.

MS. AMERIGOLD LEMON LAVALLEE:  is "Sara's" guinea pig.  I put it in quotes because it is only Sara's when it suits her.  Like when Anna pays attention to it...then Sara claims her.  Other than that they only play with her when I suggest it.  Sara had some issues about a year ago that we were working on.  She would get a small reward when she earned it and was to work toward a larger goal.  In a fit of desperation I said to her, "Sara if you do ___________ then you can get anything you want"...just as the words left my mouth I wanted a do-over.  I have degrees in child development, I have worked with children my entire adult life and when working with kids I know you can't write a check you aren't willing to cash...I was going to have to follow through with whatever she came up with.  Without missing a beat she yells out Guinea Pig!!  I have never had a guinea pig, we don't know anyone that has one...I had no idea they were even on her radar.  So I drove her right to the pet store, I had them take out the cutest one and let her hold it...I dangled that damn guinea pig like a carrot in front of her face.  She could have one, but, she needed to earn it.  She failed the first day.  I told Chuck, no worries, she can't do this....we won't have to get a guinea pig.  Wouldn't you know the next day she did great and for the next 30 days held up her end of the bargain and earned it.  In the meantime I did some research.  Did you know those little suckers could live for 8 years?  I trolled on Craigslist and found one.  This is going to sound awful but I knew the novelty would wear off and I would end up taking care of it...I wanted one with a few years under its belt.  Found one, cage and all for $40.  We went to get it.  I read the ad wrong.  It was 4 months...not 4 years.  I am in it for the long haul, oh and yeah, the cage was all rusty I needed to buy a new one.  I guess you can't trust Craigslist....She is very cute and she squeals with delight every time I walk by her.  She is great for my self esteem...if the kids are bringing me down I just walk by her cage and get a little pick me up.

The fish are Chuck's I don't have much to say about them...they are now in the basement.  That makes me happy.

If you ever hear me say that getting a dog would be a good idea STOP ME!!!!

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