I promise I won't! So I think I am a pretty capable person and have a decent skill set that gets me through life just fine. Well, since my kids have come along I have realized there are a few jobs that I would not be good at...
#1. Criminal Profiler: So I love all of those TV cop shows. I fancy myself an amateur detective. I can usually figure out who the killer is a few minutes into the show, I can predict how 48 Hours Mystery is going to turn out plus I watch Nancy Grace every night...that must count for something. WRONG!!! I have no idea what goes on in the minds of my kids. I have a degree in Human Development and have spent all of my adult life working with children. I know when kids are supposed to talk, the ages and stages of developmental milestones etc. But I will never understand what goes through my kids minds and makes them do some of the stuff they do. For instance, what is the thought process behind locking the cat in the fish tank cabinet? Why would you pour a bag of popcorn in the toilet? Does your little sister really look better with orange marker all over her face? Does Desitin really need to be rubbed into the hard wood floor? I wish I could go inside their minds for a day. Scratch that, just an hour....I would be cleaning up for EVER If I was either of them for a day. As an adult none of this makes any sense. But, if you ask them "what are you doing?" they look at you like YOU are the crazy one.
#2. Labor and Delivery Nurse: One of my children has some GI issues and occasionally gets backed up. REALLY backed up. To the point I feel like I am helping her birth a turd. I try to do all the things I have seen on TLC's A Baby Story; we try walking, belly massages, deep breathing, water birth in the tub... any and everything that will help her along. Well, about 5 days into "labor" I find myself wanting to scream at the top of my lungs "Just Sh*t!! Why can't you just sh*t and be done with it?" Don't think I will be getting my RN anytime soon.
#3. Attorney: Since my children have learned to speak I have not won an argument. According to them I am always wrong. Period. I am still rethinking that whole sending Anna to speech therapy last year so she could learn to talk. Really? In the end was it really worth?
#4. Housekeeper: As I stated in a post earlier in the week I keep my house clean. What I may have left out was that I meant "surface clean". I don't have time to really do a nice, proper house clean all the time. I will admit it...I use baby wipes to wipe down my counters, bathroom sink and just about anything else that needs wiping down. I use the "turn the table cloth over" trick all the time. I have these nice organizing bins for the girls toys. I love to have them in order but if I am short on time I just make sure that the top layer in each bin is similar toys. For example it will have a layer of My Little Pony's on top but a flippin' free for all underneath. There could be Potato Head pieces, parts of the Doctor's kit or even Lincoln Logs...a virtual potpourri of kiddie crap.
#5. Professional Hairdresser: I used to have great hair. It was always so cool and trendy...Fun and funky colors. Now that I have kids I can't see paying a small fortune to keep up with it. Soooo...I have taken to trimming it and coloring it myself. It usually does not end well. Take for example a few months back when I bought the hair color that was on sale AND that I had a coupon for. It turned my hair this brittle, black, straw like mess. Remember? I gave you all the nice visual of how I now looked like the modern incarnation of Gene Simmons. Well, in keeping with my new tradition of styling myself after "D" list stars I colored my hair again tonight....and, drum roll please......it is bright orange a la Carrot Top. Which is perfect timing that I have this shiny new head of hair because as luck would have it I ACTUALLY have some social engagements this week. Tomorrow night I have a rehearsal dinner and Sunday night a wedding. I am hoping it will tone down a bit...wouldn't want to upstage the bride.
So I guess I will be keeping my part time job at the hospital and my full time job as a mom. That is, if Sara hires me back. She told me this morning that she does not want me to be her mom anymore. In an effort to be completely honest...it took all the power I had to bite my tongue on that one....