Saturday, March 31, 2012

Objects in mirror are bigger than they appear

So tomorrow is the wedding that I had been dress shopping for.  I was so happy that I got the dress several weeks in advance.  Even got new shoes at the beginning of the week.  I was ahead of the game.  So why is it that I had to spend the day doing last minute running around for a wedding that A) I am not getting married in and B) I am not in the wedding party?  I fully place the entire blame on my children...

I had a normal sized foot before I had kids.  A respectable size 6.  As my belly grew with my babies so did my feet.  I assumed that they would go back to normal after my pregnancy.  Yeah right!!  Somehow I missed the red flag that was "hanging" around.  If my belly never regained its glorious pre-baby shape there was apparently no way in hell my feet were going to either.  To add insult to injury they not only went UP a size...they went OUT a size too! 

If you actually know me in the real world and not just here on the blog you know that I am not a fashionista and that I really don't like shopping for clothes.  If you recall my description of the dress I got was something to the effect of "I don't hate it"...I think the last time I wore a dress was on my wedding day 5 years ago.  I am about as comfortable in a dress as I am if I were wearing clothes made from a cactus.  But, it is a necessary evil.  So after the dress I needed shoes.  First of all, all the stores carry now are enormous high heels and open toes.  I got a pair of somewhat cute black, open toed heels.  So today I had a pedicure scheduled and I was just going to pick up a pair of toeless nylons.  Easy enough, right?  Never heard of toeless nylons?  Well, I think they may have gone out of style about the same time I last wore heels.  I went to 4 stores and called a 5th before I came home for lunch.  No luck.  So I ate lunch and did my due diligence....I tracked black, toeless nylons down at the local Macy's.  Local meaning a 25 minute drive.  I gave myself enough time to go to Macy's and get back for my pedicure.  Well, of course Macy's doesn't have them.  They only have "Nude" ones.  WTF!!!  I know what you are thinking..why didn't I call before trekking out there.  I did.  TWICE!!!  Both times it rang a good 30 times before I hung up.  So now it is 2:17 and I still have the 25 minute drive back to get my toes done.  I decide that I will just swing by the shopping plaza on the way home to pick up a pair of closed toed black shoes.  I tried 3 stores and NOTHING!!!  I did find 2 pairs but neither were in my wanky shoe size.  I saw 2 cool, hip, trendy girls in the shoe dept. of Marshalls.  I asked them if it were OK if I wore a black cocktail dress with my black open toed heels with nude colored legs.  Oh yeah, they said, that would be fine.  Well, they seemed like they knew what they were talking about.  I jump back in the car (yes, I got to take the car today and not the mini van!!) and fly to the nail salon.  I just wanted to sit and relax for my hour long treat.  Of course I get the one chatting Cathy in the salon.  I would put the magazine up to my face and even tried to close my eyes so she would take the hint I wanted to zone out.  NOPE!!!  So since we were becoming BFF's I asked her what she thought...Yup, go with the black dress, shoes and nude toeless hose.  So on the way home I return the black nylons I quickly picked up at CVS before my pedi.  I head home all set, even bought the nail polish they used to do my fingers tonight....want to make sure I look good.  For good measure I put on the dress, shoes and nude hose to make sure they knew what they were talking about.  I ask Chuck his opinion and he says, "yeah, NO, doesn't look good at all".  I am thinking he is just messing with me the way he does when I ask him "does tis outfit look horrible?".  But he was serious this time.  I knew it must have really looked bad because it was now 6:15 and he knew I would have to go out and find a solution.  UGH!!!  So much for being all set ahead of time.

I head back out and go to Famous Footwear.  I find a closed toe shoe miraculously in my size.  It the Carlos Santana brand.  Who knew he made women's shoes?  They have an ENORMOUS heel.  4.5 inches to be exact.  How do I know?  I took out a tape measure and measured the flippin thing.  I have already put my health insurance card in my patent leather clutch.  Why you ask?  Oh, those heels and an open bar all night combined with my uncanny ability to turn into a contestant on So You Think You Can Dance once I consume some alcohol may quite possibly end in a broken ankle.

Shoes?...check!  Dress?...check!  Handbag?...check!  Undergarments ?...double check!  Yes, literally a double check.  I am not sure if I should share this or not....but I will.  SPANX MAKES NYLONS!!  They sell them at Target.  You're welcome!  So not only will I have on my regular Spanx, but I will have on Spanx Nylons!  If you have been following my blog regularly then you know that my body is a wonderland and I have a kangaroo pouch.  If you want a good laugh just imagine what it will look like trying to stuff that into not one, but two sets of Spanx tomorrow.  I will give you a minute to compose yourself.......I am wearing a black dress so I am not sure my baby powder trick is a wise choice.  Again, not sure how this whole open bar is going work out....if I have a few cocktails then I will need to use the bathroom at some point.  We all know that there is ALWAYS a line in the ladies room so you have to be kind of speedy when you are taking care of business.   Trying to get them down and back up again in under 2 minutes is going to look a lot like a Cirque Du Soliel act.  I am not as graceful as those performers so I am sure the ladies in line are going to be wondering what the hell is happening in there.  Hopefully I can survive the ordeal with my dignity intact and not drag a roll of toilet paper behind me...

Sometimes being a girl is not fun.  I might look good on the outside tomorrow night, but I will be suffering for my beauty.  My internal organs are going to be squished together, my feet are going to be contorted into an unnatural arch and I am going to be up way past my bedtime.  Makes me glad I am not famous.  I would have to do this all the time.  Since I am extraordinarily average I only have to do it maybe once every year or two.


  1. Well yes u might have an issue with speed in the girls room trying to get the two spanx on and off in 41/2 in heels enjoy your time out and be careful haha

  2. So, do we not get to see a pic of you on the big night out??? I'm sure you looked great! Hope you enjoyed date night with Chuck.