Tuesday, March 20, 2012

A weekend in the life of a mini van family

Hi Everyone!!  I am back.  Sorry for the little hiatus.  When I started this blog there were four  "rules" I put in place for myself.

1.  I would not take quality time away from my girls to sit in front of the computer.

2.  I would not bad mouth any family members in the blog.

3.  I would not use this as a forum to air any grievances.

4.  I would not intentionally exploit the girls.

I have been so busy with the family and enjoying the nice weather with the girls.  If I took time away to write the blog I would be breaking my # 1 rule.  Fortunately, they feel asleep on time so I have a  few minutes to catch you all up on what we have been up to.  So here is a wrap up of the past 5 days.  Sadly, none of this has been embellished for comedic value.  It is ALL true...

3 A.M. Wake-up Call: 
So let's go back to the early morning hours of this past Thursday.  Say around 3 a.m.  Instead of sleeping like the rest of my family I was trying to keep the cats from killing each other.  Poor Gracie (our old cat) has taken to sleeping on my head in an effort not to be murdered in her sleep by Lucy (our newly adopted black cat).  I keep a spray bottle hanging on my headboard so I have easy access to a weapon when Grace and I are attacked mid slumber.  Have you seen the new Geico ad with the panther sleeping on the night stand licking its lips?  That is Lucy.  She is constantly stalking us.   Anyway, I kept Gracie alive for 1 more day.  Great, but that means my day started at 3 a.m...

Night Terrors and a Bunk Bed: 
 Just as I settle back into bed I hear Sara screaming.  Not her usual Mom!  There is nothing that I need, I just want to see how fast you come running scream.  This was the distinct scream of her night terrors.  I FLY out of my bed and run into her room.  Sara now sleeps on the top of the bunk bed.  If she got really confused she could have fallen right off.  I know, she probably should not be sleeping up on the top of a bunk bed.  She might be too young.  How do I know she might be too young?  The signs all over the bunk beds at Jordan's told me so.  They clearly stated that no one under 6 years old should be on top of the bed...EVER!!!  However, since none of the salespeople ever questioned who we were purchasing it for and it was abundantly clear they were for our 2 and 4 year old we merely took the age requirement under advisement and got them anyway.  They fit our lifestyle.  Plus, I rationalized that Pediatric Emergency Departments carry pink casting material.  If a child was not supposed to have a cast why would they make it in cool, fun colors...right?  I can rationalize anything.

Volunteer and Voluntold:  So we are now up and at 'em.  Chuck took the day off and was going to take Anna to her playgroup and I was volunteering in Sara's class.  Again, in an effort not to break rule # 3 I will not discuss my experience in the preschool class, but, trust me....I have SOOOOO much material I could use here.  But, I won't.  Back to Chuck, he is in the playgroup with the really cliquey mom's that really don't talk to anyone new.  He comes out and says he has no idea what I am talking about, they were all really nice, friendly and talked to him.  Yeah, he his a good looking guy hanging out with his daughter....it was the class novelty, of course they would talk to him.  I am sure next week when I go back it will be back to normal with me trying to be social and hitting a wall each time.  Oh well, Anna loved the class, that is all that is important.

Yo Quiero dos Happy Meals por favor:  So Chuck and I have plans, my dad is going to watch the girls.  We are to meet up at the rest area McDonald's on the highway to grab the girl's lunch and change cars with my dad.  We are in the drive thru for Mickey D's and the guy taking our order only put in for 1 happy meal, Chuck asks if he has ordered 2, the guy states yes it is 2 happy meals in a very thick foreign accent.  We get to the window to pay...it seems low, but he reassured us it was correct.  Sure enough, we get to the 2nd window and there is only 1 Happy Meal.  UGH!!!!  Then we head over to the Dunkin Donuts, I order and a similar situation a clerk with difficulty understanding  me.  Pay for the order and when it comes it is wrong and we have re-order.  UGH!!!!  I believe that everyone should be able to earn a living...but, just thinking out loud here...maybe you should have the non-English speakers kind of behind the scenes and maybe your employees with a better grasp of English on the front end.  It may improve your customer service.

On Star Fiasco:  So we say goodbye to the girls and switch cars.  We head in town.  Well, due to the blackout traffic is a nightmare.  We decide to try out my Dad's On Star.  At first we were mesmerized.  A real human talking to you, he was so kind and compassionate.  I know deep down he was probably sitting at his home in India watching TV and making faces into the phone at my stupid questions.  We were confident in the route he gave us so he switched us over to the automated version.  In an effort to make your trip efficient it politely asks you questions.  IT DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR ANSWERS!!!!!  You have to talk to it...verbally say your answers out loud.  So we would clearly say "No" when asked if we wanted to continue.  It would respond, "ok, you want to continue"...or we would answer "Yes" when asked if we wanted to turn it off and then it would ignore us.  I swear it was not automated,  it  was really a bunch of bored On Star workers that had rigged our car with a camera and microphone to see how ridiculous we looked.  I was getting frustrated and would lean into the screen and answer it really loudly...like that would make a difference.  We never figured out how to shut it off and actually returned the car with it still activated.  I guess we really screwed it up because a day later my dad still could not turn it off.  OOPS!!

Breaking the Sacred Vow:  So now it is Friday morning.  I never had "Erin Time" on Thursday night so I didn't go grocery shopping.  I broke the second most sacred vow I have ever made...I took the girls back to the scene of the crime.  We went grocery shopping.  Are you sitting down?  Believe it or not they were AMAZING!!!  They were so well behaved.  I got them their Friday treat early (I usually get them something special on Friday nights after work if they have been good).   The treat was some tub crayons...which would come back to bite me in the ass.  On the way home I was telling them how good they were and Sara told me that the two of them got together and "discussed" it and they decided to be good at the store for my "Friday treat"...how sweet!!!  Though I was looking around the car for a camera.  I must be on some type of punk'd show.

The Trouble with Leprechauns:  I was getting ready for work and Sara announces she hears on the news there is going to be a rainbow tonight over our house and a pot of gold at the bottom, oh, and  a leprechaun is going to leave treats for the kids.  Great! So I have to go to the party store after work which is coincidentally 7:30 p.m. on March 16th...there was nothing good left.  No matter, Sara gets up at 5:08 a.m. insisting on getting up and searching for the pot of gold.  It cracks me up that she gets so excited for these little holidays.  Chuck says we have to be careful and not let know about Arbor Day, not sure how we would celebrate that one.

The Phantom Poop (Not to be confused with the Epic Nose Pick):  I come home from work Friday night and Chuck is conducting a full on investigations.  Turns out there was a poop on the living room floor.  No one is claiming ownership of it.  I know for a fact it was not me...I was at work.   I think we can safely rule out Chuck.  He said it was not from the cats (not sure how he made that determination), both of the girls are looking him in the eye and denying it.  It has been several days now and no one has come forward.  I think that will become a cold case and will remain unsolved.

The Epic Nose Pick:  Driving home and Anna was going to town.  She was getting so frustrated because she had a "booger up high"...she tried everything to no avail.  She persevered and after a good half hour of hard work she was triumphant.  She was so proud of herself!  Again, my children are exceptionally average, but man, if nose picking were an Olympic Sport Anna would take the gold every time!!!

Getting called out:  Driving home the girls were fighting non stop.  I had it!!  I told both of them I was going to throw their crackers out the window if they didn't stop.  Without missing a beat Sara pipes up with, "Mom, you know that is littering".  I thought Chuck was going to go off the road he was laughing so hard.  I just sat down and let them fight it out.  There was no way I could win that one.

Wipe out:  So I take the day off from work on Sunday to go to a surprise party for a dear friend.  I have one of the cute tops I got recently.  My fake tanner is looking just right and I am having a good time.  No kids, had a ride home so I have a drink.  Feeling good.  I head out of the bathroom and an old co-worker (haven't seen her in about 7 years) pulls me aside.  I have a huge piece of toilet paper stuck to me.  Not a problem, I reach down to my shoe to pull it off.  Not there?  Huh?  Oh no my friends...it was stuck to my butt, trailing behind me.  It had to be at least 3 feet long.  That is AWESOME!!!  If you know me personally you know that I have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy.  I loved it!!!  But....I know what size toilet paper I use.  I never take a piece that big...it was at least 3 feet.  So that begs the question?  If it wasn't mine where the hell did it come from?    GROSS!!!!!! 

Sunday Night Sex Ed:  Since I wasn't home all day I told Sara she could stay up a little late.  We put Frozen Planet on.  Well, 4 minutes in, yes at 8:04 it happened.  The polar bears have sex.  Great, Sara was so sweet, "Oh look mom the boy is hugging the girl".  Nice out.  Then I decide to keep my hand on the remote.  A bunch of wolves get a bison.  I know what is coming next, I know Sara and her nightmares.  I make a parental decision ...I change the channel.  Well, she goes into a tirade "you are the baddest mom ever, I wanted to see that part...that was going to be my favorite part, I love seeing dead animals, blood and bones".    No talking her down.  So wouldn't you know at bedtime she said to me, "Mom what if I dream about those animals?"....again...I can never win.

So now you are all caught up to what has been happening in the life of a min van mom.  I would have had this out sooner...BUT.....it took me forever to clean those flippin' tub crayons off of the bathroom tiles. I tried several different cleaners...I finally had to mix Comet and 409 into a paste and it literally took me 2 hours to scrub it off!!!  Great Friday treat!

Hope you all had a nice weekend.


  1. Erin, thanks for placing a smile on my face!!!

  2. I absolutely appreciate your 12 year old humor, I burst out laughing at the TP train, at work nonetheless - Thank you!